“Apostrobe” by yours truly
“You’re a creep!” “Who’s in too deep and needs some sleep.” “You do.” “But don’t make a peep. I’m gentle as sheep. Have promises to keep, like drinking this beer. Oh please, come near. Don’t be queer. Let’s be clear. My reputation won’t smear. We have nothing to fear. Our problems are mere…So don’t disappear. Here, here. There, there. Where, where?”
“On Onan(im)ism” by yours truly
“To the loo pal. While you’re there, I’ll just toot my own horn.” “Masturbation is a sin!” “It is? You can’t win. Good thing you can still masturbate. Even if everyone hates you and berates you and no one dates you. But not if the world also castrates you.” “That is wrong. There’s a dating website for eunuchs. I hear it’s a lot of yucks but lacking in f—s. Be careful or it will take all your bucks.”
“Female Psychology” by yours truly
“Is it true women get pap smears because they hate their fathers?” “No, that’s a scurrilous rumor… on second thought, it may be true, that son of a b—!” “So perhaps you really hate your paternal grandmother.”
In other news…
What song is Willie Nelson singing in the afterlife? “To be old again /
I just can’t wait to be old again”
Overheard:
“You’re an old man!” “I bet you say that to all the boys.”
Scurrilous rumors:
“M—‘s slept with a lot of men. I have only with a few.” “Who knew?” “Now you do.” “Good for you, McGoo. Did it make you go blind or lose your mind?” “No. What you look for is what you find.” “Well, life is kind.”
On being unpopular:
What does a pariah say at a party? “Kaput’er there pal… What? No takers?”
Update:
If Dr. Seuss had been raised Catholic…
Oh, the Places You’ll Go, Including HELL! If You Don’t Stop that Filthy Habit. Don’t Worry Though; Habits Are Machine Washable (the Nuns Won’t Tell You That).
“Singapore Swing” by yours truly
Why Western men have trouble picking up local women in Singapore:
“Hello J—-, I’m a student of history. What are your thoughts on the position of missionaries in your country? I know it is controversial. What lions do in the privacy of their bedrooms is their business, if no one is hurt. We live in a post-colonial world, and the past is the past. You may be wishing I had taken a pass.”
“J—-, have you ever read the short story ‘Araby’? What do you think of what the boy does? What if I were the boy and you were the girl? What would you think of that? Would you approve of it? Would you, maybe, even enjoy it?”
“On Ireland” by yours truly
“Wow, Kathy Ireland is hot. I’d like to visit her country. There must be a lot of tourism there. I’d be glad to pay the costs of travel and accommodation. I could tell her about the Plough and the Star, with her as the star.”